We sat at Plum Market with our salads and gluten-free snickerdoodles talking about future plans, dreams, and what life looks like for Tyler and Lara right now. Judah joined in after he woke up from his nap, and there we huddled on our lime-green chairs around the small table.
This weekend has been a hard one for me. Right on the heels of Founder's Week came unexpected exhaustion and a cold. I was caught off guard and didn't know how to deal with it. When school continues to press in on me, I feel that I have to keep pushing forward and through it with my head down.
When I was a kid I wasn't always the strong one. I didn't like working much and enjoyed coloring and having picnics over strenuous activities or helping out with housework. I suppose that's pretty normal for kids, and the Lord did change that in me as the years went on. With Mom and Dad's careful instruction, difficult high-school years (academically), then moving to the States and working in EGS, as well as two summers at Gull Lake (where they push your limits daily, and the Lord strengthens us through it!), I can't do a task without thinking of all of the influential people who have taught me the value of hard work.
I've also swung to the other side of the pendulum too. I don't know when to stop. I keep going, keep pressing past emotions, desires, and even relationships, to get things done. It's "worked", but at the expense of obedience to the Lord and vulnerability in friendships.
Today I experienced what it means to be able to express exhaustion, to not fake being "ok" and "just fine", to let the wisdom of those who have way more experience than I do seep in where my heart is hard. My family was gracious as I didn't have the usual pep and joy this weekend.
Love isn't conditional to good days or bad days. Somehow in my heart I've let myself believe that just maybe it was, and I did have to always choose to smile and keep going as if nothing happened. A friend of mine called me out on this just yesterday, in perfect timing for today as well. I'm thankful for family and friends who lean in when my weaknesses come out. Thank you.
|Malenovice, Czech Republic|
No, I don't understand it yet. I thought that I did, but right in this season of life, this week, it's not something I am living out. I'm praying that the Lord leads me into his rest and teaches me that I may sit in his holy and precious presence.